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Speeches

Having to give a speech can be a daunting prospect for many -
not used to public speaking, the very idea fills some people with total horror!
The tips below may help you.

Preparation
You must prepare for your speech.
Consider the type of audience you will be addressing and which style would be appropriate.
Practise your speech out loud, preferably to someone who can give you constructive advise.
Try to use short sentences, extracting any 'waffle' and try to keep your timing to between 1 and 5 minutes. You may need to rewrite the speech several times to get it just right.
Using several postcards (one for each section of your speech) are a good way to keep track, ensuring you don't miss anything out in the heat of the moment. Try to limit your writing to key words or phrases as prompts for each section.
Reading your speech verbatim would become monosyllabic and boring to your audience!
As you change from card to card, this is your cue to pause for a moment,
and will help you keep a slow even pace
(most people tend to speak too fast and rush through if not used to public speaking,
and this is the last thing you want as it will all become a blur and you will tend to
make mistakes or lose your place).
Remember that during your speech, there will be moments which generate applause or laughter - again anticipate where these may be and use them as natural pauses to gather your thoughts and check your crib notes for the next section.

In short, practise your speech, refine it, speak up, and take your time!

Aim
Normally, you will be proposing a toast, responding to one or both.
Traditionally, the Bride's Father makes the first speech, followed by the Groom,
and then the Best Man.
However each wedding is individual, and it is your choice to decide which speeches takes
place, and who makes them.

Audience
Remember - they are already on your side, willing you to do well, so try to relax.
They would usually expect to hear words of sentiment and sincerity - as well as humour.

Content
Every speech should have a start, middle, and end.
This will help you manage your timings, and give some sense of direction to your audience.
At the start, you could begin with something funny, emotional, historic, or a mixture of these.
The middle part should be balanced, to represent an element of seriousness and importance
of the event, along with the joy and hope it brings. You can also be amusing, and any jokes, funny lines or gestures, generally with some reference to the couple, usually go down well.
The end should represent a final gesture - a toast and a lasting moment for the audience to remember.

General Points:

Father of the Bride
Thank everyone for attending and joining your celebration.
Give some reference to the couple.
(avoid telling everyone "you think you daughter could have done better"!)
Make special reference of emotion to your daughter, and maybe include a funny story
from her childhood.
Welcome your new son-in-law and his parents to the family.
Give some special advise on a successful marriage - maybe based on your own experience,
and finish by wishing the couple well - the first toast.

The Groom
Thank your father-in-law for his kind words, and for the reception.
Thank both Mothers for their help - it is traditional to present them with flowers at this point.
Thank both sets of parents for the opportunities they have provided for you both.
Recognise the services of the Best Man, Bride's Maids, Page Boys, and Ushers -
The Groom should propose a toast to the Bride's Maids and hand out presents -
traditionally jewellery to the Bride's Maids, and maybe tankards for the men.
Thank the guests - for attending and for their gifts.
Finally, make special reference to your new wife, maybe including a short amusing or
romantic story about you both - how you met, or where you proposed.

Best Man
Thank the Groom for his kind words, in particular those for the Bride's Maids -
replying on their behalf.
Talk a little about the Groom - include any stories, memories or embarrassing moments
(not too embarrassing!). Keep your content light-hearted
Comment sincerely on the Bride and Groom and congratulate them.
If applicable, read a selection of cards and messages, but vet them first to ensure
they are appropriate and that people present will understand who they are from.
Propose a final toast to the couple.

Best Woman
A Best Woman may make a speech instead of or as well as the Best Man. If an additional toast is needed, it is quite acceptable to toast the guests.

In General
Try to end on a positive note
Draft your speech and practise to your partner or a friend.
If confident, write key words or sentences on cards as prompts for the flow and
content of your speech.
Remember - the day belongs to the Bride.
This is a special day for 'the mums', so try to make special mention of them.
Take your time, and be ready to use a pause (e.g. for laughter etc.) to refer to your
next remarks in readiness.
Try to look at your audience and people you are referring to as often as possible.

Useful quotations

Why does a woman work for 10 years to change a man's habits,
and then complain he's not the man she married?
- Barbara Streisand

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest!
- Bob Monkhouse

A woman is like a tea bag - you don't know her strength until she's in hot water!
 - Nancy Reagan

I'm feeling very lonely, I've been married for 15 years,
but yesterday my wife ran off with the chap next door. I'm going to miss him terribly!
- Les Dawson

Marriage is like wine - It gets better with age.
- Dudley Moore

Most girls seem to marry men who happen to be like their fathers.
Maybe that's why so many mothers cry at weddings!
- Jenny Eclair

A toast to sweethearts -
May all sweethearts become married couples, and may all married couples remain sweethearts.
- Unknown

Every man needs a wife because things sometimes go wrong that you can't blame
on the government!
- Unknown

When I proposed, I said "I offer you my hand, my heart, and my washing!"
- A.A. Milne

A wife may bring you pains, but celibacy brings no pleasures.
- Unknown

Marriage is nature's way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.
Mitch Murray

There is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
H.L. Mencken

Passion makes the world go round. Love just makes it a safer place.
Ice T

Before I met my first husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.
Rita Rudner

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
Mae West

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't
wasted a whole day.
Mickey Rooney

My toughest fight was with my first wife.
Muhammad Ali

We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately we were married for four
and a half years.
Nick Faldo

If you would marry suitably, marry your equal.
Ovid

Opening lines for Grooms and Best Men

Grooms
Ladies & Gentlemen.....

....I did have a great speech worked out for you today, but as I am now married 'x' has
told me what to say instead.

....As Henry VIII said to each of his wives... "I won't keep you long"

....I was really nervous before this, so I prepared a few lines - having snorted them I feel fine.

....I'm not going to stand here and give you a load of stale old jokes. I'm going to leave that
to the Best Man.

....I overheard my new wife explain why it had taken so long for us to marry. She said "men are like fine wine. They all start out as grapes. It's our job to stamp on them and keep them
in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with"....
I'm just glad x's taste in wine is cheap unrefined and immature.

....Bearing in mind that public speaking is a waste of valuable drinking time, the bar's open and you're not paying. As I know you all like a drink, I will endear myself to you
by keeping this speech brief.

....(the Father of the Bride) has given me a receipt to sign (pull a piece of paper from jacket)
Received, one daughter in perfect condition, fully guaranteed, fully warrantied. Comes complete with extras. Keep topped up with expensive jewellery, and lubricate with fine wines. Service regularly...(pause) Oh sorry I missed a bit.... service regularly with trips to exotic and far away places.... Warning: has tendency to get irritable if not given the final say on EVERYTHING.
Care notes: gets bored easily, keep busy with constant supply of chores.
Not to be outdone though, my Mum has written out a receipt for Sarah. It reads:
(pull out another piece of paper) Received one son, sold as seen, no refunds under any circumstances. We've redecorated the room, changed the locks, and our phone number
is now ex-directory, so your stuck with him.
Warning: the slight discolouration is dirt, which may come off with vigorous scrubbing.
Care notes: dehydrates easily, top up regularly with Stella Artois.

Best Men
Ladies & Gentlemen.....

....Thanks to 'x' and 'y' for speaking before me. I know they were both glad to get the chance. It's the first time in 25 years that 'x' has been able to speak for 5 minutes without interruption from the women in his family, and it'll be another 25 years before
'y' gets another chance to interrupt.

....I'm sure you'd all agree it's been a fantastic day so far, but every silver lining has a cloud and I'm yours.

....For those of you who don't know me, my name is Kevin would-you-like-a-drink.
Please feel free to call me by my full name later at the bar.

....Being asked to be Best Man is a bit like being asked to make love to the Queen -
It's a great honour to be asked, but you're not sure you'll actually enjoy it.

....I don't want to 'take the mickey' out of the Groom today, I don't believe in that sort
of thing. Instead I'd like to talk to you about his achievements.... so you needn't worry, it's not going to be a long speech.

....(Groom's name), you are a very lucky man. You've married someone who's smart, beautiful, kind-hearted, loving and caring, and she deserves a good husband. It's a good job you married her before she found one.

....Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership. Anyone who believes that knows very little about women... or fractions! But in fact 'x' and (bride) do make a great team. (bride) cooks, 'x' eats. 'x' drinks, (bride) drives. 'x' makes a mess, (bride) cleans up.

....When 'x' asked me to be his Best Man, I told him I was deeply honoured, but I didn't think I was the right person for the job. He said to me "how about £20". I said 'x' I can't be bought. He said "how about £20 and a pint of Guinness"....(pause).... Good afternoon ladies & gentlemen, my name is 'z' and I'm your Best Man today.

....(bride) looks stunning today..... and 'x'.... Well it's good to see they knew how to make a good suit in the 70's.

....It's funny how history repeats itself. Only 30 years ago (bride's parents) were sending (bride) to bed with a dummy.... and here they go again.

Humorous History Stuff
 LIFE IN THE 1500'S

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

These are interesting...

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old". Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust." Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History was boring!!!

Flying away on Honeymoon?
Quantas airlines:

It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one:
a reassurance for those who routinely fly in their jobs. After every flight, Quantas pilots fill
out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an major accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: OFF inoperative.
S: OFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one:

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel . Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Flowers